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15 February 2015 @ 03:15 pm
There's no good in saying Goodbye, so let's not.  


That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that, that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky to have found it, and so scared that it will go away, all at the same time.


Love isn't about the fancy romances or the thoughtful gestures, its really just a warm fuzzy feeling that wraps around me and makes me smile. Love is a many splendid thing.

 
 
Current Mood: thoughtful
 
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09 February 2010 @ 09:57 pm
Alcohol and bandages will soon follow this mess  




This is for you [info]raconteur99  and [info]byfaithnotsight , and to the people reading this blog who are nursing heartbreaks and/or going through some difficult points in your life: Don't stop believing in yourself. Don't ever.


( Musings )( Musings )
 
 

My heart is still with you because, despite everything, I still love you. And while you might walk in and find me punching a wall, it's only because I want to kiss your lips and make things all right again.There's no revenge here.

Love doesn't hate back.
 
 
Current Mood: exhausted
 
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08 February 2010 @ 10:32 pm
If every simple song I wrote to you can take your breath away, I'll write it all  



Break me, or Push me down? Which one do you prefer?


It's amazing how care and concern comes in the least expected places and people. How an acquaintenance can become one of your good friends overnight, how even a friend who never seen or talk to you before, someone who is miles across borders, actually offer her attention and concern for me much more than my close friends did. Irony anyone? But it's enough. It wams my heart and tingles my insides. That people care and do I look like I seriously care about the quantity? And honestly, I find it horrifyingly funny that people who should be close to me doesn't even know or bother to ask about me; here's the crux: they are appalled that so and so are sad due to one small little icky wicky outburst on her blog, and all at once, everyone crowds and ask her what's wrong. You know what's wrong? Nothing about personal life whatsoever, it's all about oh-my-team/CCA mates-are-giving-me-so-much-trouble or oh-shit-i-am-doom-for-exams or academics, whatever. Seriously, it does make our pains much lesser in comparison, huh?

And I am equally shocked, in a very unpleasant manner, how quick people judge others. Like just because I am always out of school, doesn't mean I am not involved in anything that is in any way less unimportant than yours. I keep my silence because you know what's most interesting to see? How people jump to conclusions about my life, as if they know so well about me, as if they think they know what I do outside. People are honestly superficial sometimes. What? Just because I am not academically inclined as your big brain, doesn't make me less of a good friend, am I? No, I absolutely cannot sense how you people rather drift to others because oh-wow-they-are-so-hardworking and no-shit-but-rachel's-stupid-and-lazy-and-has-lousy-grades. But lucky for me, I am not included in your meaningless gossip sessions and talks about nothin but academics and your CCAs. I much rather spend my time alone and not do serious damage to my soul and brain. Maybe I am too sensitive, or maybe you guys are too insensitive. But how do you react when your friend asks you to accompany her to the toilet, but she doesn't wait for you after that and run off for her dearest math lecture after that, and not leave a seat for me? Honestly, am I that insignificant? I rather stick less with you people if you are all just manipulating yourselves around and trying to wriggle yourself to the top seat. It's competitive this environment, and I am not putting much of a fight (I'll lose to all these people anyway), but for goodness sake, at least be real. It disgusts sometimes how people are so fake and how much they are changing. I keep my mouth shut in school, and I do not care how you guys interpret this or manipulate it to make me the bad guy, as always, nor do I give a damn how you guys judge me, because that's what you all are best at doing isn't it? (:

I feel lousy. Enough of this brainless rant.

____________________

I just want to really really really thank [info]raconteur99 (my one and only constant commentor, who always makes me feel better just by reading your comments, and so much else when you don't even really know me. And that's honestly enough.) and [info]byfaithnotsight (love the encouraging notes, and you hang on too k) for being such darlings, and for cheering me up with your comments.
 
 
Current Mood: awake
 
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07 February 2010 @ 10:10 am
As we fade to nothing in existence  


You blinked away the tears. Chest heaving up and down, you broke out in quiet sobs all over again. You feel your heart beat a painful throb, and it was a different kind of ache - a literal ache, not metaphorical, not a figment of imagination, it was real and you could feel it groaning in hurt. You clutched your chest, excruciatingly aware of the quivering sound of your teeth and arms. Yet, in next to no time, you stopped your tears. Anger surged throughout your body, like an irate volcano lashing out and drowning the world in its lividness. How dare anyone do this to you? How dare anyone look down upon you? How dare anyone breathe lies into your face?

You felt as if you were wounded all over. Disappointment clings onto you like a parasite grip, and you watched the clock tick-tock by at a vexingly slow pace. When good fortune falls, neither an hour can be added nor a lost hour be recalled. Here comes bad times, and miserable moments add on like an extra heavy element. Bliss is scraping at the bottom, and you shook your head, blinding yourself to any sweet actions done or had since happened unto you. You are scarred, deeper than ever this time, a huge gash upon your soul, threatening the composition of your emotions. Look at the happy moments; you tell yourself, they slipped by with the stealth of an illicit lover in the breaking hours of morning light, and no sooner will bad times join in the mix. The impact was colossal, your heart beat quickens and thunders in your ears. You can feel your pulse pound ominously, as if blood will be drawed away from you, and your soul sucked out of your life. It was like huge tsunami waves crashing against your boundary, before you crumble down and submit yourself to the waters that menace you into darkness.

Mentally, you asked yourself, why bother? Yet you know your heart was never carved out of stone, but you know well enough that you needed this break, to sort the things in your mind that had already formed a massive cobweb, waiting to be unraveled and solved. The agony was once again tearing you apart. The emptiness, loneliness, need for reliance has now, once again, become self-sufficed matters. Why do the people you love most always have to hurt you in the most terrible ways? Thoughts are becoming incoherent as your vision blurred. Your lips cracked at the slightest twitch, yet the refusal to move anywhere was too strong. Your brain has grown to a mass of wool, which carries a tinge of weariness. You got to be strong, you know there are friends, but what now – what exactly? Frosted glass colours your future and you know not when and how to move the next baby step. You forced yourself not to feel any slimmest pinch of sorry for your ‘cruelty’ and unkindness. You fend yourself away from defiance thoughts, though bleak, but still defending all odds of possibilities. To step back, and to watch; fed with apprehension and anxiety – as to what may happen, it may all be negative, but at least an answer will be woven out of all complications, no matter what certain desire there is, daring you to succumb to it. But no. Not now, not yet. Time is what you really need.

Still a five foot three frame of steel walls and consternation, still tentative, still helpless.
\
 
 
Current Mood: suicidal
 
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07 February 2010 @ 12:10 am
Of the cosmos seemed fitting, the world was silent  

 
 
Because she wants a guy who will just come over to be with her, not to get some. Who will hold her, and keep her close, because he’s afraid to lose her. Who will get the hair off her face, to see her eyes. Who will hug her tight. Kiss her cheek to make her smile. Slow dance with her, without the music. Who will pick a flower for her and put it in her hair. Who will watch scary movies with her and be afraid with her. Who will invite her to his family parties. And introduce her to his mom, as his beautiful girlfriend. A guy who will wave to her in the halls at school, and make sure she sees it. Who will tell her he misses her. A guy who will leave her voice mails saying he’s just telling her he loves her. Who will be there for her when she’s in a fight with her best friend.. to comfort her, and let her cry on his shoulder. A guy who will let her spray his cologne all over her room, who will let her take stupid pictures with him and show them to her friends. She wants a guy just to love her with all his heart.
- loveconfessionn(tumblr)


( Walk with your back bowed )
 
 
Current Mood: intimidated
 
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05 February 2010 @ 12:35 pm
Lean in close, and I will whisper the words you want to hear  



When you make a decision, you stick with it.
what is done is done, there is not point saying I wish I didn't or, I'm sorry.
Because you can never take it back.
You need to be brave and learn how to walk away,
without tears rolling down your cheeks OR having a heavy heart.
that's life, take your chance, take the risk, or leave it.

 
 
Current Mood: scared
 
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03 February 2010 @ 10:33 pm
Most people run, because deep down they want to be chased.  




 
Crying like a pitiful girl should, crying because of the hurt so badly accumulating, crying from the lack of understanding and resolvement. You know how sometimes, you try to mend and heal the surface, the cracks from the past go unseen and the suffering grows unbearable. Do you guys even know how god-damn tiring it is to pine for someone so badly? How much it hurts to stand beside that person and hoping desperately he'll see one day how much I am willing to forsake and forget all that has happened, despite the scale of it all, despite the hurt that is killing me. Even that is an understatement to start with, it doesn't just kill me, it renders me helpless, it makes me so invariably small and insignificant, it amplifies how unloved I really am, and just how the world will never ever udnerstand the interal turmoil and emotional trauma I had to go through. Previously scarred by family background, and just about near two years of temporary insanity of searching for that fine line between truths and lies, perhaps there is no strong enough guilt that I want, nor remorse or deep evocative feelings of need to want to protect me and feel loved again (and that is bad enough), but at least gain me some sympathy, some pity, some respect for my feelings and my entity.

Maybe the person who love you the most will always hurt you the most, it's just how the world works. It's reality, it's hard, it's cruel, but it's real. No delusion nor illusion, just the plain truth that applies to just about everyone of us. But what marks the difference is, when the person who hurts you the most truly understand the magnitude and consequences, and tries to restart and build that shattered bond between the two. That's what matters. I need to see the patience, I need it real bad because of the tendency to start disbelieving and I need someone who have enough patience to understand and love me for who I am, not yell at me for who I wasn't. I need to feel the love and assurance, where no one in this world will hurt me anymore, that you won't. I need the protection and the fleeting kisses on my head - comforting, resolute and sweet all in one.

Does it really matter if someone just doesn't eat fine delicacy like abalone or shark's fins? Does it really matter if you cannot speak the dialect to the person you want to communicate to? Does it really matter how others look at you when they should love and know you for who you are and now who you are trying to be? Because from what I see it, I love you, and I love everything you encompass - your perfections, your imperfections, that extra tuft of hair sticking out, the charred fingernails, the feel of your abs, your past and everything else. And I love you for who are, and for who you were and will be. But not someone who you impersonate, someone whom you are not, because that will not be the person I love anymore. Do you just stop trying because of the fact you cannot speak the language/dialect with another party or do you perservere and find other means of communication? Do we have to limit ourselves to Chinese food all the time just to please others, or can we reach a compromise? Do we force ourselves to put on a facade, to make others believe for the person you are trying to be, and never let them know just who the person you are - one who bites her fingernails when she is nervous, one who cries and feels rotten easily, one who is overly-sensitive, one who is emotionally-hurt, one who doesn't eat seafood, one who is condemned if emotions of hers are vented in this space and should be confined to her own private thoughts, and one who has the extra fats around her waist and thighs?

You know how I am eternally grateful for the efforts put on the outside, and how I really appreciate the time forked out. But at the same time, I cannot lie to myself that everything is going to be alright again just because it is now. I've been there, done that so many times that I know it is useless to convince myself otherwise. It's gonna be hard, I've warned you, I'm gonna be a tough nut to crack, a challenging case to reassure and hard to revert the jumpy and overly sensitive me. Leave if you have no patience, leave if right at this point, you still think I am demanding, leave if you still do not understand me now. And like I said before, many of you do not even understand half the time of what I am talking about, you think you know what happened, you think you know who I am referring to, you think, but you don't actually know. I do not care at this point, if you even bother to find out, I won' tell you anyway. All that's left is to write in between the lines and let it be abstract enough on my lj, and even that can't salvage nor prevent me from another occurence of fight and unhappiness. Because this is wrong, this is going to be my fault that I posted this, and before you know it, this entry is gonna disappear.

If tears could account for the amount of hurt you've been through, there won't be enough in this lifetime to compensate it all.


 
 
Current Mood: crushed
 
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02 February 2010 @ 08:50 pm
My Shallow Heart's The Only Thing Left Beating  


Did you ever look at a picture of yourself and see a stranger in the background? It makes you wonder how many people have pictures of you, how many moments of other people's lives we've been in. Were we part of someone's life when their dream came true, or were we there when their dreams died? Did we keep trying to get in, as if we were somehow destined to be there? Or did the shot take us by surprise? Just think, you could be a big part of someone else's life, and not even know it.
 
 
Current Mood: FAT
 
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01 February 2010 @ 12:58 am
The Patterns You Left Me  

When I Fall In Love,


I want it to loom up without warning nor indication, like an open manhole that is neglected and without glaring orange barricades and bright yellow tapes of caution. And I will plunge abruptly right down into it, so sudden that it startles, because I was walking straight with my head held up high, oblivious of discrepancies on the ground. I don't want to be, be it consciously or not, looking for love when I fall in love.

I want it to be a solitary door in the middle of the expanse of nothingness, like those science fictions movies where doors represent vortexes to different dimensions and it just looks like an ordinary door floating in the middle of nowhere. I want to be completely unenlightened of what lies beyond the seemingly innocuous piece of carved wood. I don't want to have already envision a destination for a relationship that has not even embark. I want to step into it, breathless with anticipation, excitement and even a tinge of fear, of not knowing where it is going to take the both of us.

I want it to be the stretch of fresh sweet grass bathed in warm yet mild sunlight. It will be beyond the dirty cold fence, a ruthless-looking chain-link partition that separates the wonderful expanse of  sunshine from the stale, drafty barren land where I will be standing at that moment. I want it to look endlessly tempting, like the apple to Eve, like Eve to Adam. I want it to appear so irresistibly alluring that I will be willing to withstand cuts and scratches that would come from scaling the fence, just so I could be over there. I want it to be so wondrous that I will never even think of returning back to where I initially was.



It happened, you happened. And feelings are still dancing around in my heart on fray feet.


 
 
Current Mood: lethargic
 
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30 January 2010 @ 03:45 pm
Two can be complete without the rest of the world  


It's the worst feeling in the world to love and hate someone all at the same time, and it's hard to watch things change when all you want is for them to stay the same. It's crazy when you want to let go, but you keep holding on, and you want to move on, but you're stuck right where you started. When feelings come and go and you can't decide what you want. When you have so many things to say, but you don't know where to start. When you want them in your life so bad, but all you can do is push them further and further away. It's so hard to think back to how things used to be and look at it now and realise that things are different, and they may never be the same. You tell yourself it's not worth it, but if it really didn't matter, you wouldn't spend so much time thinking about it.
 
 
Current Mood: hungry
 
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