"When we love someone we never easily give up on that person. Even if we get hurt badly we always try to find a way to ease that pain and learn to understand and forgive. Loving too much doesn't hurt. It is when we expect this love to be reciprocated that we begin to seek approval and acceptance of the things we have done and when we are taken for granted or rejected, we curse that very same love that we once truly and happily offered. There is always hope for those who believe and hang on. There is always a chance for those who try and not change."

I just had a crying fit. I knew it was coming sometime today, it has to. After being cooped up at home for the entire day, absolutely being alone, not talking to anyone/doing anything except facing this damn screen (which I am currently still facing, F*** YOU COM!!) Okay I am obviously still in a unstable state, but I still kept in mind to stop spewing vulgarities like an ahlian/ahbeng wannabe. I don't know why I cry, but it felt good. Because seriously, i feel so awful inside. I don't wanna do anything, no one to do it with me if i got something to do anyway, and when i watch videos on those obvious geniuses who can play piano/violin/guitar/harps/other musical instruments so darn well, and those who can dance, I feel like killing myself and DIE on the spot. This is not the time for self-pity. It's pushing me to do something, but yes, I admit I have no guts. None. Whatever the hell happen to me? Or maybe I was always like that? It was honestly, pure fucking luck, that I manage to be part of Exco of PSL in secondary school. You do not want to know why is that so, and I won't tell you anyway. But without this piece of luck, I would not have brandished my portfolio so much at all, nor would I hve the chance to be head of certain events/positions. And now, luck has worn out on me and moved on, and I'm stuck in my hole, thinking and hoping that luck will find me again. I guess luck did find me, but it is not the bad and negative luck that holds onto me with a grip I can't shrug off. And no, I am not blaming it on luck because I believe in actions and overcoming this whole luck thing. I am majorly screwed for this year, just how much did I miss out? How much did i plan my life without thinking about myself? How could I even lead such a life - school tuition school tuition. And there was a whole period when I was totally controlled by tuition, it's insane. Thinking back, whoever that can do that is really some saint. And I cannot believe I did that, I am guessing I must have numbed myself so much that I don't feel anythign except fatigue at the end of the day. I numbed myself so much that whatever that had happened ( I meant the bad of course) can only further numb me. I don't cry on the spot, i don't scream, I don't show, nor do I express it through the form of not eating. I've grown out of it, I talked normally, laughed and interacted with my family and friends, I continued stuffing food down my throat eating, and to whatever it was that made me so unhappy (like school or PW or family, etc), I managed to keep a smile even. I've dug a hole so deep that I cannot get myself ou anymore, and I officially hate school with all my liver (bigger than my heart in size). I did so much to think about everyone else instead of me. Whatever I do, i have to think of other people first. I spent so much money on others too, while eating just bread in school every single day without fail, i think it has been more than one year (HAH so beat that). But i don't mind because hey, when you do somethign for others, you just want them to be happy right? ANd their happiness and appreciation of what you do for them (which means the most value to me) are enough to be your rewards in the end. Whatever sacrifices, whatever it is, they are worth it. I do not have regrets in my life, because I feel that life is not for you to have any regrets. Even there were major mistakes, I can only reflect and not do the same again, but not regret, because you cannot undo what was done. I need to find that drive in me to study hard and make myself worth. I need to be on my feet and start doing things that benefit myself wih other people. Hence from mid oct to mid nov was a period when I spent quite an amount of money on myself (WITH MY OWN MONEY BY THE WAY) and though i know it was getting out of hand, I went on to feast my eyes on apparel/accessories and eat yogurt ( my fav food!!) though it was really expensive. Of course, for now, I have already lessened alot, and stop the squander. This is also partly due to the lack of income. And also the reason why I am hesitating if I should sign up for certain courses and the very reason that is stopping me from investing in stocks, okay that sounds really really weird to say that. Scrape that.

Enough parenthesis. Back to hibernating.

OH MY GOD. LJ JUST ATE AWAY Y ENTIRE ENTRY! SCREW YOU.

Below is entirely fictional. Read at your own peril:

Its been a year and a half since his death, a year and four months since his funeral on a wrongfully breezy Wednesday afternoon, a year and a four months since white tulips in every scene she remembers- at the cemetery, tucked in corners of the high-ceilinged church, and clutched in arms of black-clad strangers who came with murmurs of condolences, well-meaning little lines that she couldn’t really recall now.

A year and four months into now, she sits Indian style on the parquet of her bedroom, fiddling with the lid of the small box sitting in front of her.

She lifts her hand from the box; her fingers came off smeared with grey dust. Grey dust that collected on the lid of the box, a precipitate of sixteen months worth of being tucked away in the highest, darkest shelf in her room.

She grimaces at the thought that she has to do this, here, in her bedroom. She hates her bedroom. Thanks to her unbending perfectionist of a mother, she does not possess any emotional attachment nor belonging to the lavender walled room, with its matching lace drapes, canopy bed with hospital corners, and the three portraits of stupid kittens hanging behind her bed. She wishes she could be somewhere else, somewhere else that might hold more relation to what she is about to do, somewhere where there were more memories, more emotions. Her current venue holds as much poignancy as a clinic.

But then again, being somewhere else may only add more unnecessary pain, she thinks with an inward sigh.

Gingerly, she pried the cover off. Mentally, she scoffs at her own foolishness. What is she so afraid of anyway? They’re just photos, glossy/matted four by fours, paper and ink. They can’t hurt her. It’s been a year and fucking four months, she closed herself so tightly from the world she must have already become a vacuum of her previous self by now. Bolstered by this train of thought, she plunged one hand into the box and seized the first handful of Polaroids out.

There were so many of them. She didn’t know they had taken so many shots of the times they spent together. There were those when they were still studying, in their disheveled school uniforms. There were those on their many dates- the zoo, the pathetic theme park, the beach, ice-cream parlors and sunny parks. Those taken on their first overseas trip together, those taken when he almost set her kitchen on fire when he tried to bake cookies for her. Those taken along with his parents, when she first met them and also earned their wholehearted approval.

There were those she took of him on the sly, just because she thought he looked adorable when he frowned in concentration, when he puckered his brows while he tried to hit the right note on his guitar, his nervous erect position on his first drive after passing his practical test and his glare of exasperation when he caught her discreet trigger moments of him.

Her heart caught, and squeezed painfully. She gulped in deep breathes of air, why does it feel like she couldn’t breathe all of a sudden? A quiet panic starts within her as she recognizes an all too familiar pain enveloping her heart again.

This can’t be happening again, she thinks forcefully. It’s been a year, a year. A year and six agonizing months since his mother told her tearfully over the phone about how a hit and run had claimed their only son, and her fiancé of barely a month.

She thought she was stronger than this, stronger than a stack of lousy photographs. But the disarray of Polaroids proved too much for her to take, as she pulls her head to her knees and surrendered to the engulfing hurt, heart-wrenching sobs racking her shoulders, not unlike those one year and six months ago.

***

And then they always forget, how photographs are not really just paper and glossy color ink. They are memories made tangible.

A photograph is your laughter when he tickles you, the warmth of the sun on your skin that afternoon, the song that played on the long bus ride home, the feeling of the shape of his shoulder against your cheek when you lean on him- all encapsulated within the four edges of a glossy photo paper.

And memories hurt, memories claw open closed wounds, open the floodgates of emotions that were deliberately kept suppressed, and slice through steel walls like how a hot knife would to butter.

Time isn’t the panacea to loss, it is only a buffer.

There are songs that feels like fluid coursing through veins, there are songs that serve as 4 minutes capsules of a period in your life- like how listening to A*teens immediately had you feeling like you were shortening school skirts and passing folded notes to a crush in senior year.

And then there are songs that define moments.

This is the perfect song for a gently sunlit spot on an idle weekday noon with a comfortable friend. The Singer's unobtrusive voice riding on the mild breeze that tousles your hair, as you sit with your legs stretched out in front of you. Sun rays making shadows on feet shod in candy colored flip flops, fingers getting sticky from the melting lime popsicle you grip on one hand. There is absolutely nothing that needs to be completed, due, or submitted. You have no plans penned for the rest of the day, no calls to return, no emails to check. You don't even know what comes after finishing your popsicle, or what song comes next on the ipod.

It's just an idle afternoon that doesn't need a clock, and this is the song that evokes all of that.

I am still trying to find this very special song, indeed.

I need fresh new blood for my nano, the current library is getting weary in its repetition.

I need:

1. songs for days that rain, songs that spreads warmth through your entire being like how a grande vanilla latte does, only without the calories, songs with gentle strums of an acoustic guitar and crystal tinkling of piano keys.

2. songs that grab you up by the collar to stand on the nearest table and dance your heart out, songs that unearths a burst of energy in me to end my last lap in a dead sprint during morning runs, songs in which it is never satisfactorily enough to merely just bob your head to the tune.

3. songs perfect for frolicking around your room with your speakers cranked up high, hair unkempt glasses perched on face oversized pe shirt fbt shorts, belting out every single line like the closet superstars we all really are. (think Katy Perry's Hot 'n' Cold, Miley Cyrus's 7 things, Rihanna's Disturbia)


...or basically, just any kick-ass tunes.

I always believe that love and pain come together. If you want to love or to be loved, you must prepare to suffer the pain. In any perfect relationships, there will definitely come a point where the couple might hurt each other in another way or so, and if the couple can overcome these aching moments, they are meant to be together.

On the other hand, there are some people who cheat love to avoid pain. They do not confront their feelings and instead run away from them, they think that by doing that they will not hurt the people around them. In truth, avoidance is the most painful sensation than rejection. And the people whom they avoid; whom they don't want to hurt will receive most of the pain instead. In the end, these people are only hurting the person they love the most.

Therefore, never avoid but confront your feelings because avoiding is very painful. The people who are being avoided take most of the pain.

Breathe and I'll carry you away into the velvet sky
And we'll stir the stars around and watch them fall away
Into the Hudson Bay and plummet out of sight and sound
The open summer breeze will sweep you through the hills
Where I live in the Alpine heights
Below the northern lights I spend my coldest nights alone awake
And thinking of the weekend we were in love

Home among these mountain tops can be so awfully dull
A thousand miles from the tide
Put photos on the walls of New York shopping malls
Distract me so I stay inside
I wish the rocket stayed over the promenade 'cuz I would make a hook
And I fish them from the sky
My darling she and I were hanging on so take us high
To sing the world goodbye

I am floating away lost in a silent ballet
I'm dreaming you're out in the blue and I am right beside you

Awake to take in the view
Late nights and early parades
Still photos and noisy arcades
My darling we're both on the wing
Look down and keep on singing and we can go anywhere

Are you there
Or are you just a decoy dream in my head
Am I home or am I simply tumbling out alone

These are all the tears you’ve ever shed. The ones that taught you who you are. That made you grow up. That let you know that what you felt, mattered. And they are all here for a reason.

Came across this song, and the lyrics are simple but I think the song is quite pretty.

Mad
Ne-Yo

She's starin' at me
I'm sittin' wonderin' what she's thinkin'
Nobody's talkin' 'cause talkin' just turns into screamin'
And now it's I'm yellin' over her, she yellin' over me
All that that means is neither of us is listening

And what's even worse?
That we don't even remember why we're fighting
So both of us are mad for

Nothing, fighting for
Nothin', crying for
Nothing, whoa
But we won't let it go for

Nothing, no not for
Nothing, this should be
Nothing to a love like what we got

Oh baby, I know sometimes it gonna rain
But baby, can we make up now?
'Cause I can't sleep through the pain
Can't sleep through the pain

Girl, I don't wanna go to bed mad at you
And I don't want you to go to bed mad at me
No, I don't wanna go to bed mad at you
And I don't want you to go to bed mad at me
Oh no no no

And it gets me upset
Girl when you're constantly accusing
Askin' questions like you already know
We're fighting this war
Baby when both of us are losing
This ain't the way that love is supposed to go

Whoa, what happened to workin' it out?
We've fall into this place
Where you ain't backin' down and I ain't backin' down
So what the hell do we do now?
It's all for

Nothing, fighting for
Nothing, crying for
Nothing, whoa
But we won't let it go for

Nothing, no not for
Nothing, this should be
Nothing to a love like what we got

Oh baby, I know sometimes it's gonna rain
But baby, can we make up now?
'Cause I can't sleep through the pain
Can't sleep through the pain

Girl, I don't wanna go to bed mad at you
And I don't want you to go to bed mad at me
No, I don't wanna go to bed mad at you
And I don't want you to go to bed mad at me
Oh no no no

Oh, baby this love ain't gonna be perfect
Perfect, perfect, oh oh
And just how good it's gonna be
We can fuss and we can fight
Long as everything's all right between us
Before we go to sleep
Baby, we're gonna be happy, oh

Baby, I know sometimes it's gonna rain
But baby, can we make up now?
'Cause I can't sleep through the pain
Can't sleep through the pain

No storm is so bad that you can't learn something from it. You can grow in a storm. You can thrive. Rain cleans the air.
Yes I can.

One day, I will grab hold of the simple happiness left far away in my childhood and never let it go again.

People spend their whole life looking for truths, but when they finally got what they wanted, all they received will be nothing but bouts of emptiness.

I have this permanent longing to watch a movie. Especially a midnight movie, but nobody will wanna watch with me. I just miss watching a movie Angels&Demons/Night at the Museum 2/Ghosts of Girlfriend's Past/Etc. I also wanna go on a foodhunt, and i want my pizzahut):, astons, bakerzins, haagen dazs, etc as well. I feel like hardly any food actually got into my body system. Suddenly, theres a lot of school work, i got pw research needed to be done by this weekend, gp file - do or die by next week, and math test and econs retest. This is complete shit. And i wanna go out, how contradicting can tht be. Ah seriously, you cant have the best of both worlds. If you want utility, you gotta forego the time for productive school work, if you wanna study, you will be all work and no play makes jack a dull boy. Hahahaaaaa. Sian. I feel so sian. ESPECIALLY TODAY. ToDAY SUCKS. UGH. I'd practically do everything, everything, ANYTHING to go out, but yeah. Guess not. Hahaha i am starting to type like shit. But i dont care): I just need to go out.

I just realised this really nice tune can be played by piano, i think, cuz i heard the guitar version, and the piano version. And for that moment, i suddenly have this goal to learn to play that tune. i really love it. And i really wanna learn piano anyway. But aiyah, i cant want everything at once. So i shall leave this in a corner at the back of my mind. Hmm, if i can really complete the above mentioned work by next week, i am really power. But too bad, i know i wont. I am not that imba nor capable. And i am a bit mood-orientated. If i happy, i will do, and if i not happy i wont even give a shit. And most of the times, very unluckily, it is the latter that is happenning.

Ohwells, today is ending. this day is ending. 11.03pm. Just another hour more. And its another day, another plain boring day.

The Sheer arrogance of loneliness was just a facade.
Yes, i miss you.

So much to the point that i had to stop myself from meeting you again and again, that all my mind is nothing else but you, and you can take up so much of the space that there isnt room for anything else, that i wish i had many long letters from you to tell me all about you, that i just want to be in your arms and breathe in your scent yet again.

I gave up trying to do the practise paper for math lecture test 2 for next monday. I am damn screwed, my differentiation and inequalities can gg already ): Or perhaps after the barnard's really serious and firm talk to all of us today, what if i am those few who isnt cut out for hp at all? Maybe this scheme isnt helping me, and i shoudl just transfer to the normal stream where i can be more dependant on the tutors. Self discipline was all the hp tutors sole expectation of us, and apparently, our batch seems to be the most unusual ones out of the others. And what if im just dragging the group down? As what barnard says, he has already identified people who isnt serious about this scheme at all, and if we dont have any goals or aims to get the best possible education from what the tutors are giving us, then we shoudl really consider and everything ))): Then i realised i have been fooling around, got a bit panicky, but nothign seemed to be goign in. Even when i looked at the explanations and stuff about econs, my mind goes blank and all i want is to sleep and go out and watch movie. UGH!!! All of a sudden, there seemed to be a lot of work, all last minute piled up, due to the lack of constant effort put in. I am so lazy seriously, i lost self-dsicipline, since um primary school? And then theres lit work to worry abt for this friday, then 2 big tests next week, a day after another. I just feel tired. Really tired ):

I know everyone thinks this is not the time to be panckiy and i am just making a big fuss about nothing. But the thing is, barnard reminded us how promos are near, and how they will use promos to gauge everything, like to university, which one we shoudl go, whicih course we shoudl specialise, and everything. He also said that at this time, we are alrdy slacking, whats more to expect from us? I guess he relly meant serious business. And he made me realised that promos are indeed nearer than i thought. After blocks, we will jut be rushign everyday because because!! And theres PW to really worry about. Sigh. Nothing really seems to be going right. I really need to put in more effort in school. I bet white realised how i stone and dozed off ): Quite obvious. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, i need a place where i can scream and sort my mind out. Then i wont be so dead in school everyday, with concentration span thinning every minute. Or maybe i am just not cut out for school. And now, maybe i am really thinking too much. Blah.
I am starting to feel the kick.